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By Dr. Flex.

Let me tell you a story about Dr. F, oohh fuck! Wait, let me give a salutation first. Have you ever heard of -like, lies and midnight uji? These are crazy stories meant for lunatics. Is there a country in this world full of fools and lunatics? Weeeeeuuh! Sio matusi its reality. It all commenced at a small village in Kanairo called Umoja. A young novice – a female, of course- this species is overly dramatic, and the beginning of trouble, just like the famous Eve. Without forgetting, Bii from Umoja uploaded a video of herself dancing to a gospel remix done in Dholuo. She was in leso, gumboots and had a fucking cup of tea. In a nutshell, she hit 1m views on TikTok. Just like that, her path to becoming a dancing master began.

In another village called Rongai, Keif was resurrected. A self-anointed digital hustler. Cool name though. This one wasn’t impressed with Bii’s progress. “Acha tu’’ he said, wearing no shirt in his bedsitter. Oooh, he was also munching bread and smoky, poor boy. Can someone even become so popular because of drinking tea? Anyway, beware of the transitions, that’s how I tell stories. Let’s roll. This guy made a fucking skit, performig on his transformation from boda boda man to a millionaire with chicken feather and a borrowed blazer. This one didn’t flounder or fly even with the feathers haha!

He didn’t tire, though; he met his companion, CD. Who even calls herself CD, only a sucker or a person who dances alone with a cucumber heheeee. Not cool though, people shouldn’t be saying things like this. But who cares, it’s only meant for the waste of space. This one, renowned for her make-up and Kyuk monologues of senseless heartbreaks. “Aliniacha laikini niliunda githeri.”

After that, CD and Keif made a collab of a grandiose breakup in a supermarket in another village, called Westy. This was even more dramatic- falling mandazis, tears, and a child screaming in the background “huyu ni actor’’. Damn! This one flew. This is how the mess ensued.

Now, back to the roots. “Don’t take that pill.” Just when the lunatics couldn’t get even more weirder, Dr. F manifested. For sure, nobody knows his real name. Some say it’s Frederick, or Faws or Hoss heheee. Though, he is known famously as“ full of wacha nione kwanza.” What we know is he’s a licensed cist with an MBChB in madness and a PhD in chaos. But Dr. F doesn’t make health videos on TT. No, he doesn’t. Someone said he is a master of manipulation, plethora, and semantics. He likes to play whack the ily with the weaklings. Some suspect he films himself at the back of matatus, shouting medical facts to passengers. “That energy drink you're taking? “Ni Caffeine tu na lies!” then he laughs hysterically. Hahahahahahahah pole basi!

In his house, he provides the theatres himself. He does not watch films calmly, but corrects everything mid-scene, even coitus scenes, and celebrates when his favorites finally bang. Must be completely nuts, right? He perturbs romantic whims with medical disclaimers; “before you kiss that ass, sanitize! Haya unaanguka kwa mapenzi na bacteriophages!”

He fucking talks to himself. “Dr. F, should we post this video on our status? Ahahahahaha, Yes, we will post after midnight.” You're so naïve

This is just a tale of secrets, sausages, and suspicion. If you’re worried about Dr.F, then you haven’t met Dr. Hoss. What does he do when he is gloriously alone? I hear he wears a sequined banana costume and dances to Kanungo every night. He talks to his art listening to funky town with a toothbrush microphone.

For sure, you never know anyone until you see them alone holding a dream and a cucumber.